This is the remix to Ignition……..
Soz we aren’t going to talk about R.Kelly’s 2003 smash hit. Although if i’m being honest, I could actualy talk about the genius of Ignition for h.o.u.r.s. The song is dance floor perfection, I mean, it’s impossible to NOT dance when it comes on….I’ll bet you are rollin’ dat body just thinking about how good this song is. And while it’s easy enough to revel in the hip grinding glory of this supberb piece of work we should all remember that R.Kelly did in fact pee on underage girls…….which does tend to taint one’s enjoyment of the song just a tad……..
So on the topic of haneous sex crimes, I have not engaged in any kind of physical intercourse since 8:03a.m Saturday 17th January 2015. Now I’m sorry if this is T.M.I for you but honestly in this post SATC era I just assume that everyone is comfortable reading about a young ladies sexcapades (or lack there of).
One of two (well actually a few) things tends to happen when girls don’t get laid:
1 – they get cranky and irritable for no reason and it’s kind of like they have PMS all the time
2 – they develop a new found obsession with running, pilates or yoga.
3 – they start baking. a lot.
And above anything else when you stop having sex sometimes you actually just stop feeling sexy all together. And when you stop feeling sexy, you start doing gross things like chewing with your mouth open and not being ashamed about audibly farting in public because you no longer give any fucks at all.
Lately I have been in the alarming but not too dangerous ‘unsexy’ zone of not washing at all on the weekends unless I go out. It started innocently enough with me thinking “well i’m not seeing anyone today so why bother getting ut of your pyjamas?” which progressed too ” well if you’re not getting out of your pyjamas then why bothering even showering?” which then escalated too “well it’s not like your friends haven’t seen you in your pyjamas before so why don’t you just put a jacket over your pyjama top and head out for brunch?”
Now I know it’s anti feminist of me or whatever to base my ‘attractiveness’ on how much attention i’m getting off guys but I don’t think that’s the point of our dilemma. I think sometimes it’s natural to feel like you’re in a slump and even if Ryan Gosling himself tried to crack onto me while I was in this frame of mind i’d still have second thoughts “hmmm but is he reaalllyyyyy worth washing my hair for?” usually I am happy to embrace these periods of gross sexless-ness because I know that it will pass.
This recent bout was honked right out of me by strangers in garbage trucks.
The first time was when I was walking back to the office after lunch and a loud honking disturbed my thoughts. I looked up and a guy in a garbage truck stuck his arm out and waved at me. Even though it was a gross sexist act, there was a small part of my ego that suddenly pinged back to life as I thought “yeah gurl, i’ve still got IT” and I strut back to work fiercer than Beyonce dominating a red carpet.
She owns it, everytime.
The second time was on the weekend when I was out for a bike ride. I look like a mad dork when I go for bike rides because I don’t have proper ‘biking’ clothes so my outfit usually consists of yoga pants, a tshirt and a sleeveless grey vest I have to wear because it’s the only thing I own that has pockets to keep my ipod and keys in. Oh and I also wear a helmut. Hotsville central. Population, me. And garbo number #2 agreed because as I had pulled over on the side of the road to do up my shoelace another, different type of garbage truck drove past and beeped me. At first I thought they were telling me to get off the road so I looked up just as the truck drove past me and the driver cheekily winked as passed me by.
Usually, the normal me would be so angry about being objectified on the side of the road by some yuck dude in a truck but in my current vulnerable state I was just glad to know that someone thought I was attractive enough to go to the effort of beeping at me as they drove past…..
And now, I feel attractive again. And yes, it is inappropriate that it took 2 horny garbage men to make me feel this way but whatever, fuck it, i’m feeling like Beyonce (pre Blu Ivy) again and I am ready to get freaky with Ryan Gosling (o.n.b.o.)