24 hours to go….

I am so proud of myself for surviving 14 days of quarantine! 14 days with no fresh air, 14 days (mostly) of Sultana Bran and now I’ll never have to eat it again (unless I want too!)

Full disclosure I ordered Uber Eats for 2 out of my 3 meals yesterday…..

Quite a few people have expressed that they will miss my daily quarantine updates and I can’t thank you enough for your support and love!!! I will try and continue blogging as I remain unemployed but to tide you over until I log on again I’ve collated my favourite archived blogs.

Yes I got so bored during quarantine that I re-read my own blog but I’ve got to say it was really fun re living certain memories and remembering the person I was all those years ago and feeling proud at how much I’ve grown since then (there was also a lot of cringing, I was really so sadly and desperately single for so long…..)

So, if like me you are unemployed, stuck in quarantine or just want to re live the hot mess my life used to be please read and enjoy

xx

1. For the dedicated readers who would want to start at the beginning:
   • https://whensaturnreturns.wordpress.com/2012/04/05/hello-world/
2. For those who may remember I had a very tempestuous relationship with my first set of housemates in London. One of the main offenders was a Polish man named Adam who was bald and I used to get into fights with him every morning I had to wash my hair because I took too long in the shower. I mean, he wasn’t wrong but also he was BALD so like why did he need 20 mins in the shower in the morning????? Anyway the breaking point came when he arrived back from a trip to Poland…..
   • https://whensaturnreturns.wordpress.com/2012/08/06/things/
3. Mum still claims this is one of the best presents she ever got. Cheapest present ever!
   • https://whensaturnreturns.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/happy-birthday-ma/
4. Please read if you’ve ever wondered what I meant when I said I suffered from severe middle child syndrome
   • https://whensaturnreturns.wordpress.com/2014/05/22/throw-back-thursdays-a-k-a-an-impromptu-therapy-session/
5. Hey guys remember that time I met Robin Williams
   • https://whensaturnreturns.wordpress.com/2014/08/12/the-greatest-day/
6. Is now a good time to confess that the whole “head butted on the dance floor” story was actually a lie…….(for anyone who doesn’t know the real story….maybe I will blog about it one day)
   • https://whensaturnreturns.wordpress.com/2014/08/03/yolo/
7. Please enjoy the Traffic Offenders series a.k.a that time I got arrested with a DUI and then had to attend traffic offenders school to get out of losing my license
   • https://whensaturnreturns.wordpress.com/2014/11/
8. Interesting to see my achievements and yearly goals have actually not changed too much since 2015
   • https://whensaturnreturns.wordpress.com/2015/01/

Food is Life

Yesterday was all about food. I’ve been enjoying the starch bomb combo that is a savory roll for lunch and shepards pie for dinner:

Never enough sauce….

And then I got an additional delivery from the treats fairy……

The rhubarb pie in the middle was the star of my day

In my post pie sugar coma I came up with a list of places I will be visiting as soon as I get outta here:

Gelato Messina (obvs)

Lorraine’s Patissere (this is where the rhubarb pie came from and apparently there was a Black Forest Eclair left on the shelf…)

Black Star Pastry (I will be purchasing a smorgasboard of goods)

Yum Cha (Rhodes is the only place that still does the carts!)

Korean Fried Chicken from anywhere around Strathfield Station

Cappucino made with Bonsoy

Proper Thai food (probably from Newtown but open to suggestions since it’s been a while)

A proper McDonald’s Apple Pie (the Canadian ones are baked. BAKED. It was outrageous and disgusting)

Thick cut fruit toast (I could not find this anywhere in Vancouver!)

Where else should I go?

Meat Pie Monday

The only upside of a repeat menu is knowing that on Monday’s we get meat pies:

Celebrating the return of Sultana Bran as well!

I am concerned that the quality has gone down from a Herbet Adam’s last week to a Mrs Macs today….. it doesn’t bode well for things to come. Hopefully I’ll be released before next Monday otherwise i’ll probably be staring down at a 4 Twenty and that would just be a really sad end to my quarantine experience.

On a more positive note we did receive a new activity book today!

This display is making my unopened crochet kit very nervous

While I’m looking forward to embarking on a fresh activity I can’t help but feel like somewhat of a failure for the pathetic progress I made on the puzle book from last week:

Just two examples of attempted and failed puzzle attempts

At first glance I thought I’d nail Skyscrapers but actually it’s really hard

I genuinely don’t understand the rules for this one. Please explain/send help

If I can’t wrap my head around these puzzles how am I ever going to help my kid with their homework?? How am I going to look them in the eyes and expect them to listen to me and respect my opinions if I can’t even follow the rules of the god damn Kropki?????

I’m just praying there is no direct correlation between mother’s who can’t finish sudoku’s and how it causes their son’s to fail at life.

Weekend Wrap Up

I took a break from writing because I got lazy. It’s pretty easy in quarantine to sleep in a few hours too long for just one day and before you know it you’re not getting out of bed until midday, only doing yoga once a day instead of twice and not showering until you can smell your own B.O.

I’m just going to put it down to “weekend vibes”. In the spirit of weekend relaxation I allowed myself an Uber Eats order but it went horribly wrong when Oporto’s forgot to put my Prego burger INTO MY BAG. Even though the meals aren’t too bad here they are starting to get monotonous which is why I was so excited for my treat. Case and point these are the meals I received over the last 3 days:

Note that the cereal has changed from Sultana Bran to Nutrigrain this week and I am not happy about it

Other weekend achievements involved:

• Eventually receiving my missing burger
• Changing the bedding to fresh sheets provided by the hotel. The sheets were delivered at a moment of peak laziness so I did debate if I even needed to change them or if I could just keep the nicely tucked ones on for another week…….
• Finished the final season of Schitt’s Creek
• Started watching Unsolved Mysteries
• Learning that Ned Flanders was a PHARMACIST before he opened the Leftorium!
• Felt the baby kicking for the first time!

But I think the true pinnacle of the weekend was when I maturely decided to be healthy and just eat my side salad that came with my dinner instead of ordering take out again because I did not fancy eating the gloopy risotto that was served for the main

Divine intervention

But then my sleeve got caught on a shelf causing quite the spill. I took it as a sign from the lord of quarantine that I should just order the Pad Thai I was craving all day.

On a side note trying to clean up spilt lentils and quinoa with no dust pan or vacuum is really hard.

I’ll just call reception about it in the morning……

Post Sima Depresion

Since I finished the last episode of Indian Matchmaking last night I haven’t really known what to do with myself…..

I spent a few good hours on twitter discussing Jamie’s BiP meltdown but then I fell back into a Sima free stupor.

I tried my usual tropes of watching back to back episodes of The Great British and Australian bake offs, Come Dine with Me (regular AND couples edition) and The Simpsons but I fear until I find my next reality tv obsession I’m going to be pretty depressed.

To cheer myself up I treated myself to a day of not wearing pants.

This quickly backfired when I opened my door to pick up my lunch and the food delivery team were akwardly still there.

Usually they move on pretty quickly AND I check through the door hole thingy that no one is around before collecting my food but since I was pretty distracted today I just flung the door open looking like this:

The only time in my life to date that I have regretted not wearing pants

I was on the receiving end of some very embarrassed over the mask glances before they hastily pushed the trolleys far far away.

Thankfully there was a highlight to counteract this low point for the day – a delivery of essentials…..

Emergency iPad, emergency oil diffuser, emergency Andy Bowdy Tiramisu and 911 Brownie courtesy of my sister and Ed ❤

Andy Bowdy Tiramisu is the depression cure I didn’t know I needed. I may now have gestational diabetes but I feel like it was all worth it.

Speaking of diabetes, here were today’s meals:

For those of you who are familiar with my hatred of apples please rest assured that they always get sent back to the kitchen un eaten. They truly are the devils fruit.

Surviving the swab

I have never needed a drink more during this pregnancy than I did after enduring my first Covid test nasal swab. It was previously described to me as a pap smear for your nose and to be honest I’d rather have 5 smears in a row then go through that again…..luckily I get to do it again on Day 10!

Any penetration of that severity warrants at least a post entry cocktail but I had to settle for Wagon Wheel chocolate bar that came with my lunch

Can confirm not as good as the OG wagon wheel

On the plus side I had a present delivered from the hotel soon after the swab to keep me distracted…..

This doesn’t bode well for the crochet kit……

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that finishing one hard sudoku puzzle erases the damage of watching 3 hours of the Kardashians which is what I’m currently averaging so this booklet truly is a blessing.

Apart from swabs and sudoku I also managed to get changed out of my pyjamas before midday and wash my hair.

Maybe she’s born with it, maybe she just got swabbed

And don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten to document my other two meals for the day:

I wonder how many mornings of Sultana Bran I’ll be able to withstand before I lose my shit. Both literally and figuratively

Quarantine Queen

I haven’t blogged for two years but nothing like a government mandated quarantine to inspire you to return to the keyboard.

In an attempt to stave off boredom I’m going to try and post for everyday I’m in isolation but can’t guarantee that by Day 4 it won’t just be a collection of memes.

For Day #1 I’d like to answer a few basic questions everyone has been asking:

How’s the food?

Given that the government is paying for this stay I didn’t have high expectations for the quality of food but overall it’s been edible albeit unhealthy.

Breakfast arrived at 6a.m so glad it was mostly continental style so I could wait a few hours before eating it

The sauce to pie ratio is way off

Winner winner lasagne dinner

How’s the room?

I’ll let the view speak for itself

Classic bridge and house combo

Wow that’s an amazing view! Did you shamelessly exploit your pregnant belly to try and sway the policeman’s sympathies so he would assign you a nicer room?

Yes the only reason I am having this baby is too exploit him for my own personal gain so it might as well start while he is in utero.

What are you going to do to stay entertained for two whole weeks?

Well today I watched back to back episodes of Come Dine With Me UK, Great British Bake Off and The Great Australian Bake Off and that killed about 4 glorious hours

OMG! What’s it like watching TV with ads in it?

It’s actually really nice having the pressure of what to watch being taken away. I think the time spent watching the ads is still less than the time spent browsing Netflix wondering what to watch.

Is it true your Ma still pays for your Netflix account?

Yes I am on her Family Plan. I’m giving her a grandchild it’s the least she can do.

Can I FaceTime you during your stay?

Yes but don’t expect me to be wearing pants or a bra

Can I send you a care package?

Yes please send help to room 2701 at the Intercontinental Sydney

Why did you buy a travel sewing kit?

I’m going to watch YouTube clips and learn how to sew buttons so I can finally wear this shirt again

When do you think you’ll open that Learn to Crochet kit you bought?

Fuck you